Day 4: Just How Retarded Are Jedward?!?!

So, in just 4 days we've discovered that Jedward don't understand the concept of bubble bath, bathe together, have a wardrobe full of clothes that even Lady Gaga would turn her nose up at, don't like talking about sex AND can't wash their own hair! Six minutes were dedicated to one of them washing the others hair!!!


Kerry's back to talking about the most treasured possession in her life - herself.  Did you know she was hacked by NOTW, she's bi polar, she lost work because she was a coke head, she's bi polar, she's not taking drugs anymore, she's bi polar, she was robbed... oh, and she's bi polar.  Umm, yeah Kerry, everyone knows that - your car crash life's been making front pages for years you dopey tart!


How many people lost their appetite when Pamela started talking about her booty calls?  "I got guys who send me roses, I got guys who send me lovely messages ("Fancy A Fuck?")" Watching Pamela talk about things of the carnal nature is like thinking of your own parents having sex.  It shouldn't be done!

The witch hunt against Darryn continued with the lynch mob being lead by Tara, still trying to drum up sympathy because he called her "the enemy".  If she doesn't give it a rest, she'll be MY enemy.  Give it a rest.  Your voice is starting to grate on my nerves like fingers down a blackboard.


Another day, another boring task inspired by Sally Bloody Bercow.  All housemates had to model bedsheets, paying homage to her awful tabloid story that brought her into the public consciousness....

I wished the housemates had just taken all their sheets and bound her in them all and left her out with the trash, where she belongs!


MY FAVOURITE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Jedward in bed with Amy Childs... trying to act like heterosexuals!

Day 3: Jedward in a Speedo - Pass The Bleach for My Eyes!!!!

You know you're onto a loser when the day starts with a view of one of Jedward in their Speedos, followed by Darryn in his trunks and Sally heading to the shower..... and all before the alarm was sounded to wake the sleeping beauties!

I'm starting to really hate Sally with a passion.  Starting the day by gently ribbing Jedward for nearly making her get out of the shower in the nude by saying we, the public, would be mortified by seeing her in the buff.  We're mortified seeing you fully clothed love, and, if the tabloid rumours are true, so is your husband (or is that ex?!?!)  I'm counting down the hours until Friday's eviction.  There is NO WAY this wench will be saved.

Lucien seems to have woken up and realised that no one knows who he is or cares, so is trying to grab attention by claiming to have the hots for Pamela and definitely NOT interested in Amy Childs.  Don't get me wrong, for an older lady, she looks after herself, but we're supposed to believe this half wit wants a piece of her?  Nah, just like the Planet Jedward cd, I'm not buying it.  I've never seen him act in anything, but after seeing him try to "cry" I won't be rushing to watch old Waterloo Road episodes!  Lucien, If you want to get some attention follow in Bobby's footsteps and take your top off!

The Egyptian task saw yet another has been wheeled in to try and steal the limelight - Mohamed Al Fayed.  Proving just what a dirty old man he was, he was eyeing up all the blondes and helped Tara to win the musical chairs task.  Tara, be warned, he had a thing for a blonde a few years ago and look how THAT turned out!!!

But it is nice to see Tara coming out of her shell, even if she did unveil her feisty, bitchier side, which Darryn felt the force of 110%.  She warned him he's lost her "circle of trust" after finding out he'd called her his enemy and trying to get everyone to vote him out!  Never cross a woman Darryn.

And by the way, what is going on with Darryn's six pack?

Who in their right minds would PAY for that?  Fake abs ON TOP of a beer belly!  Looks like he's battling Tara for the title of "Dodgiest Plastic Surgery".  What a turd.

MY FAVOURITE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Jedward's reaction to Tara Reid reciting THAT Big Lebowski line.... It seems we've found the 19 year old's kryptonite - talking about sex!  I thought one of them was going to fall off their chair..... and break their neck, but that would be wishful thinking!

Day 2: Has anyone killed Jedward yet?

Day 2 and I've lost my appetite after seeing Jedward sharing a bath.  Just the mental image of them in the tub without their tops on sends a shiver down my spin and causes my stomach to churn.  You do have to question just how Jedward manage to live in the real world when they substitute bubble bath for  WASHING UP LIQUID!  And the clothes...... did you see the monstrosities that were coming out of their suitcases?  The jackets, ties, shoes.... and they just dumped them all over the house!  Idiots.

I never thought I say it, but Amy Childs might just be growing on me much like a fungal disease.  Don't get me wrong, when she goes on about being "well jel", or how "reem" people are, or the fact she always calls people "Hunney" of "Hun" ALL THE TIME makes me want to reach into my tv and slap her around the face, but out of the women there she seems to be the only one who can talk about something other than herself and actually seems clued up on who everyone is.  I'm starting to like her even though I can see through her doe eyed, butter wouldn't melt act.  I know that underneath it all she's in there to win at any cost - who would pack 11 bikinis for a 3 week stay in LONDON?!?!?!  The only thing I can't get over is how much she looks like a pre-surgeried Katie Price but with a bit of a personality!.

Kerry failed the task, which just goes to show she's more of a dickhead than diva. She had to nominate 2 other housemates to face eviction and then the faux meltdown started!!!  She knew who she was going to vote for.  Have to say, Bobby took it like the man he wants to be when he grows up - admitting that he maybe deserved to be up because he wasn't making an effort with Kerry, but it was Sally's reaction that had me reaching for the nearest item to throw at the TV.  Considering she's 41, isn't locking yourself in the bathroom a little bit 5th grade?!  Doesn't she realise the people she's sharing floorspace with are so narcissistic they didn't even realise she's thrown a strop and were too busy looking at their own reflections in the plenty of mirrors around the house.

I think it's safe to say it's bye bye Sally on Friday, and I can't wait!  I just hope she fades into obscurity and doesn't end up doing another publicity stunt like sheet-gate in the tabloids - no one wants to see that ever again!!!

MY FAVOURITE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Paddy's Doherty saying to Tara Reid "Do you want to borrow one of my vests?" after she was talking about how her nipples were so cold they were hurting and pointing out to everyone they were sticking out through her hoodie

Day 1: Where are all the celebrities?!?

Day 1 in the Celebrity Big Brother house….. and we're all still waiting for the celebrities to be put in the house and these Z Lister Losers to be banished from whence they came!!!  

I'm starting to think Channel 5 left the booking of these "celebrities" to a retarded chimp.  It isn't even scraping the bottom of the barrel anymore, I think they've been looking UNDER it to discover these parasites.  I really am struggling to find a redeeming feature for any of the housemates.

Kerry was the first person to be given a secret task by Big Brother - to act like a Diva in front of her housemates, which would make a refreshing change for her because she's been acting like a Douchebag for the past ten years.  I couldn't stop laughing at the look on Kerry's face when, mid tantrum, she realised none of her housemates were paying her the slightest bit of attention and were instead walking round with their heads up their own asses trying to justify their own place as a celebrity, yet all of them failing. 

Honey, when will you learn your bubble popped years ago, you've been circling the drain of obscurity for years like a turd that just won't flush!  Considering she has a past of being coked up to the eyeballs…. I mean….. "battling dark demons", how the hell has she been deemed mentally fit to take part in this show?  You only have to look at her for 5 minutes to see something ain't right with the girl.

But what about the rest of them: 

Tara Reid looks like she's self medicating to get her through it, slurring words left right and centre, Mrs Hoff is trying to convince everyone she's not just famous for being a Hasselhoff…. by name dropping her ex hubby in every conversation she has, Amy Childs is just spouting all the retarded TOWIE phrases that make no sense but make you want to punch her face through a wall, Sally Bercow is trying too hard to be "down without he kids" but coming off like a creepy try-hard who'll NEVER make politics sexy, Lucien Laviscount has done nothing but follow Amy round like a love sick seal pup that you just want to club over the head repeatedly, Bobby Sabel is playing up to his moody, sullen model stereotype - but I think that's only because it's a case of the lights being on but no one is home in this pretty boy's head, Darryn Lyons is staying surprisingly quiet considering he's normally a rent a gob, papparazzo scumbag,  and Jedward - BLOODY JEDWARD - guys, seriously, just go away and die!

The only one who I seem to be warming to is Paddy of Big Fat Gypsy Wedding fame.  He could be the one getting my vote, and not just because he's a double hard bastard who bare knuckle fights, but because he said he wanted to drown Jedward……. Enter former CBB contestant Michael Barrymore (I should be so lucky!)

All in all, day 1 has been as uneventful as expected.  Come on Channel 5 - the tasks had better be kick ass... preferably with at least one of them leading to a Jedward death!

MY FAVOURITE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Kerry Katona saying en route to The Diary Room "Smells of brand new carpets…" Probably the first time she's smelt anything brand new for years what with her being a bankrupt pikey chav!

The Housemates Unveiled

Well the starting gun has been fired and Celebrity Big Brother is off!  What a mixed bag of...... utter s**t!  I was really surprised at just how good a job Brian Dowling did.  I honestly didn't miss Davina at all.  Considering he had rather large shoes to fill, he seemed like a natural! Channel 5 certainly picked the right man for the job.  

Did they pick the right housemates though...


1) Kerry Katona

How the hell did she pass the psychological tests?!?!  I really can't understand why people are still willing to give her work.  It's time she realised her 15 minutes are up and goes to get a proper job - like working the tills at Iceland.


Oh how I laughed when the first thing she said upon entering the Diary Room was "It smells of new carpet in here".... how does she know what new carpet smells like, she's supposed to have been bankrupt since the the dawn of time!!!


2) Tara Reid

Famous for that one film, bad plastic surgery and getting her tits out.  You know you're in trouble when Tara Reid is classed as the "big name" of the show!  You do have to question the type of person who gets married and instead of going on honeymoon decides to lock herself away from her new spouse with a bunch of freaks in a foreign country.


My prediction is she's going to walk or win it!


3) Paddy Doherty

He's NOT a celebrity!!!!!  The book's open on how long it'll take him to tarmac the garden.


4) Amy Childs

OMG..... MEGALOLZ...... Well Jel....... Innit.  Couldn't afford the real Jordan, so they've stumped for second best.  Those sayings are guaranteed to have me reaching for something to throw at the telly. Yes she's on every magazine cover going, but SHE'S NOT A CELEBRITY!!!  Wonder how long it'll take for her to offer to Vagazzle her housemates?


5) Darryn Lyons

Mr Rent-a-Gob himself.  "I am everything that IS celebrity".... what, retarded, self obsessed with your head up your ass????  "I've made the careers of Katona and Childs by photographing them"... well considering you MADE them, they had no idea who you were you little weasel!


6) Sally Bercow

No one cared when she appeared in the press in just a bed sheet, no one cares about her now.  If you're going to try and make politics sexy you don't wheel out a 42 year old hag.  She apparently compares herself to Carla Bruni (French President's model wife)... if you are THAT deluded, that maybe you are perfect for Celeb BB!


7) Lucien Laviscount

Yeah..... me neither!  I think the entire audience thought "Who???"  Apparently he was in Corrie and Waterloo Road and has met David Beckham - so obviously thinks he's famous by proxy, innit bruv..... oh yeah, and he's the only non-white person in the house!


8) Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff

Just because the Hoff seems to be hot property right now in the UK, doesn't mean we have to be over run by his cast offs, especially one that has a face that looks like melted Tupperware.  But please tell me her luxury item ISN'T her red Baywatch swimsuit - I don't think my eyes could handle that, nor my stomach!


9) Bobby Sabel

Apparently a big name in fashion - looks more like a Hollyoaks reject!  According to his biography, "he would rather be adored by women than tied down to a girlfriend".... so he's gay then!  Why beat around the bush - he certainly isn't!


10) Jedward

More lives than Jason Voorhees.  


As a wise man once said "How did those gobshites get on the television?!?!"




So those are the housemates for the new look Big Brother.  Not one big name amongst them!  But will I still watch it - of course!  I've already set my TV to record every night so I can pour over every moment of it (and obviously rant about it here!)


Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy 3 weeks - try not to throw anything at the TV screen.  


Big Brother, it's good to have you back xxx

IT'S BAAAAAAAAACK

Let's start as we mean to go on....


I LOVED Big Brother.  Over the years I have devoted hour after hour to watching people I don't know sleep, eat and fornicate.  You've heard of the term football widow, well my boyfriends over the years have been Big Brother widows - I have changed plans for nights out to make sure I didn't miss the live task or eviction nights, and yes, I have feigned serious illness to make sure no one would ring as soon as the iconic theme music started.

If you've read my other work (popcultureunderthemicroscope.blogspot.com), you'll know that I love to hate celebrities and most importantly the wannabe's shows like Big Brother create.


When I heard that it was being dropped by Channel 4 my heart sank - it was the same feeling you get when a boyfriend (or girlfriend) tells you "I don't think we should see each other again" and then turns and walks out of your life forever.  But now Channel 5 have finally stepped up to the plate and after 14 years of broadcasting is FINALLY giving us what we want - another chance to point and laugh at the fame obsessed freaks who'll do just about ANYTHING for their 15 minutes of fame (insert your own joke about Kinga and THAT wine bottle here!!!)


Davina's no longer the face of the show, instead they've got Brian Dowling - not my immediate choice for a replacement, but it's not a disaster.  He's done live TV presenting with SM:TV (admittedly it was cancelled not long after he joined, but I'm sure he wasn't entirely to blame) and he's already lived the Big Brother Bubble twice and come out victor, so I'm going to reserve judgement on him and his presenting skills .... for now!


Tonight it's kicking off with a "celebrity" version - a perfect way to get us hooked in.  But I just hope Channel 5's booking agent is better than Channel 4's because I'd like to actually be able to watch it without saying "Who are they?!?, What do they do?!?"  But seeing as our celeb mags are full of the likes of Katie Price and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, I'm not holding my breath.


I know that for the next few weeks I'm going to be hooked.  My friends might as well prepare themselves for their calls and texts to go unanswered and woe betide ANYONE who tries to call while it's on!


So come on Channel 5, show us what you've got - bring on the celebrities!!