The Housemates Unveiled

Well the starting gun has been fired and Celebrity Big Brother is off!  What a mixed bag of...... utter s**t!  I was really surprised at just how good a job Brian Dowling did.  I honestly didn't miss Davina at all.  Considering he had rather large shoes to fill, he seemed like a natural! Channel 5 certainly picked the right man for the job.  

Did they pick the right housemates though...


1) Kerry Katona

How the hell did she pass the psychological tests?!?!  I really can't understand why people are still willing to give her work.  It's time she realised her 15 minutes are up and goes to get a proper job - like working the tills at Iceland.


Oh how I laughed when the first thing she said upon entering the Diary Room was "It smells of new carpet in here".... how does she know what new carpet smells like, she's supposed to have been bankrupt since the the dawn of time!!!


2) Tara Reid

Famous for that one film, bad plastic surgery and getting her tits out.  You know you're in trouble when Tara Reid is classed as the "big name" of the show!  You do have to question the type of person who gets married and instead of going on honeymoon decides to lock herself away from her new spouse with a bunch of freaks in a foreign country.


My prediction is she's going to walk or win it!


3) Paddy Doherty

He's NOT a celebrity!!!!!  The book's open on how long it'll take him to tarmac the garden.


4) Amy Childs

OMG..... MEGALOLZ...... Well Jel....... Innit.  Couldn't afford the real Jordan, so they've stumped for second best.  Those sayings are guaranteed to have me reaching for something to throw at the telly. Yes she's on every magazine cover going, but SHE'S NOT A CELEBRITY!!!  Wonder how long it'll take for her to offer to Vagazzle her housemates?


5) Darryn Lyons

Mr Rent-a-Gob himself.  "I am everything that IS celebrity".... what, retarded, self obsessed with your head up your ass????  "I've made the careers of Katona and Childs by photographing them"... well considering you MADE them, they had no idea who you were you little weasel!


6) Sally Bercow

No one cared when she appeared in the press in just a bed sheet, no one cares about her now.  If you're going to try and make politics sexy you don't wheel out a 42 year old hag.  She apparently compares herself to Carla Bruni (French President's model wife)... if you are THAT deluded, that maybe you are perfect for Celeb BB!


7) Lucien Laviscount

Yeah..... me neither!  I think the entire audience thought "Who???"  Apparently he was in Corrie and Waterloo Road and has met David Beckham - so obviously thinks he's famous by proxy, innit bruv..... oh yeah, and he's the only non-white person in the house!


8) Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff

Just because the Hoff seems to be hot property right now in the UK, doesn't mean we have to be over run by his cast offs, especially one that has a face that looks like melted Tupperware.  But please tell me her luxury item ISN'T her red Baywatch swimsuit - I don't think my eyes could handle that, nor my stomach!


9) Bobby Sabel

Apparently a big name in fashion - looks more like a Hollyoaks reject!  According to his biography, "he would rather be adored by women than tied down to a girlfriend".... so he's gay then!  Why beat around the bush - he certainly isn't!


10) Jedward

More lives than Jason Voorhees.  


As a wise man once said "How did those gobshites get on the television?!?!"




So those are the housemates for the new look Big Brother.  Not one big name amongst them!  But will I still watch it - of course!  I've already set my TV to record every night so I can pour over every moment of it (and obviously rant about it here!)


Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy 3 weeks - try not to throw anything at the TV screen.  


Big Brother, it's good to have you back xxx