Day 1: Where are all the celebrities?!?

Day 1 in the Celebrity Big Brother house….. and we're all still waiting for the celebrities to be put in the house and these Z Lister Losers to be banished from whence they came!!!  

I'm starting to think Channel 5 left the booking of these "celebrities" to a retarded chimp.  It isn't even scraping the bottom of the barrel anymore, I think they've been looking UNDER it to discover these parasites.  I really am struggling to find a redeeming feature for any of the housemates.

Kerry was the first person to be given a secret task by Big Brother - to act like a Diva in front of her housemates, which would make a refreshing change for her because she's been acting like a Douchebag for the past ten years.  I couldn't stop laughing at the look on Kerry's face when, mid tantrum, she realised none of her housemates were paying her the slightest bit of attention and were instead walking round with their heads up their own asses trying to justify their own place as a celebrity, yet all of them failing. 

Honey, when will you learn your bubble popped years ago, you've been circling the drain of obscurity for years like a turd that just won't flush!  Considering she has a past of being coked up to the eyeballs…. I mean….. "battling dark demons", how the hell has she been deemed mentally fit to take part in this show?  You only have to look at her for 5 minutes to see something ain't right with the girl.

But what about the rest of them: 

Tara Reid looks like she's self medicating to get her through it, slurring words left right and centre, Mrs Hoff is trying to convince everyone she's not just famous for being a Hasselhoff…. by name dropping her ex hubby in every conversation she has, Amy Childs is just spouting all the retarded TOWIE phrases that make no sense but make you want to punch her face through a wall, Sally Bercow is trying too hard to be "down without he kids" but coming off like a creepy try-hard who'll NEVER make politics sexy, Lucien Laviscount has done nothing but follow Amy round like a love sick seal pup that you just want to club over the head repeatedly, Bobby Sabel is playing up to his moody, sullen model stereotype - but I think that's only because it's a case of the lights being on but no one is home in this pretty boy's head, Darryn Lyons is staying surprisingly quiet considering he's normally a rent a gob, papparazzo scumbag,  and Jedward - BLOODY JEDWARD - guys, seriously, just go away and die!

The only one who I seem to be warming to is Paddy of Big Fat Gypsy Wedding fame.  He could be the one getting my vote, and not just because he's a double hard bastard who bare knuckle fights, but because he said he wanted to drown Jedward……. Enter former CBB contestant Michael Barrymore (I should be so lucky!)

All in all, day 1 has been as uneventful as expected.  Come on Channel 5 - the tasks had better be kick ass... preferably with at least one of them leading to a Jedward death!

MY FAVOURITE MOMENT OF THE DAY: Kerry Katona saying en route to The Diary Room "Smells of brand new carpets…" Probably the first time she's smelt anything brand new for years what with her being a bankrupt pikey chav!